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[22 Jun 2005|03:58pm] |
If you haven't added me yet
add me now.
new journal (well its not that new anymore): towardthe_l3dge
I'm hoping if you haven't already, you'll catch it on your friends page.
peace.
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| I just wanna be beautiful. |
[27 Mar 2005|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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A little C O N F I D E N C E would be nice.
...
.....
I'm reciting a silent anthem
to those of us who are never gonna change.
...
...
....
......
........
and I wish I would.
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[21 Mar 2005|11:10pm] |
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mood |
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 jealous |
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music |
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Your winter |
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You know what CD is really good? Sister Hazel: Fortress. I pulled it out in the car the other day and gave it a listen. Champagne High and Your Winter are both really good songs. Anyways, I'm back for one night to give this livejournal hell about how much I've been down lately. You don't have to read this or listen since technically this thing is supposed to be discontinued (what can I say, its late, im bored...). I've been getting sick quite a bit lately and it sucks. My moms back from Florida though, thank god, I have somone I can talk to again. I miss her a lot when she's gone cause the guys tend to gang up on me. I did have fun though, I went out to the chatterbox with my dad one night, and we ran a lotta errands together. I couldn't stay in the house without killing myself. Things in every which direction are making me depressed. I know, I come on here to talk about the stuff bothering me, but the truth is I'll never go into detail and even if I do it most likely will be sugar coated and dishonest. I'm kinda detached from my friends, and I think even if that weren't the case I wouldn't feel up for talking about it. In conclusion, the past week and a 1/2 has sucked so bad, and I kept it all in and now its having its reprecussions.
Sorry for being such a drag guys. I'm gonna go get some sleep, night!
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| am i the only one. am i the only one. am i the only one. i need to know. |
[02 Mar 2005|10:33pm] |
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mood |
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jealous |
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music |
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Bayside |
] |
This is probably going to be my last entry in the world of online journaling. That's subject to change but I doubt it. I've gotten a lotta slack over this from my Compulsive journal creating friend Paula and buddy Courtney who claims now that shes joined Lj everyone is leaving. What can I say...once I step out its all just no longer cool.
Anyways, I don't even know where to start. I won't dig down into vaca details since most already know about it.
Other than that, I've been seriously bored of everything. Friday will be cool, I'm seeing Alex for the first time since last monday. Saturday is field hockey dome play offs. 9AM- be there to show some support! I've got work as well. I'm also going to a local show with Kim and Tom V might be there. Ray and other Tom won't though...so sad. We're like the group that attends every shitty local punk show around, but man do we have fun. Sunday is more field hockey and more searching for a dress. Apparently Alex's NQ prom is April 8th leaving me ONE MONTH to prepare a million bazillion things. I'm stressed over that and more importantly pulling my 3.76 GPA up to a 3.8. Deirdre and I discussed some major parties coming up. I'm excited- I havent misbehaved since her last ripper.
Anyways, I'm feeling sorta blah tonight. I've realized that I've cut off some relationships I shouldn't have for stupid reasons. At the time it seemed justifiable, like it was for the better, but now I realize I'm not getting the mutual dealy like I was expecting. I'm making this very vague for a reason...but I guess in conclusion I'm going to do what I want regardless of what other feelings it concerns-esp. if I'm not getting that mutual package deal back as it was understood to begin with. It's only fair.
Anyways. If this ends for awhile then so be it. I could pop up at any time, start another one, who knows. Ill probably still comment.
Later kids.
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[16 Feb 2005|06:50pm] |
im rather sick of this journal. Sick of the entries I've made and such.
I think I might make another one. tonight. who knows?
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[12 Feb 2005|10:39pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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My cherie amour :: Stevie wonder |
] |
argi%^>@f/ I don't have a handle on anything right now.
( Read more... )
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| And all I...need to know...is that I'm something you'll be missing |
[05 Feb 2005|11:21pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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APC :: thinking of you |
] |
Last week was rather hectic. I'm sure most people will agree that it most certainly felt longer than usual, with the new schedules and all. Creative writing is definitely a very cool class with very cool people. I'm looking forward to the next two terms because of it. And thats pretty much the only reason I'm not quitting where I stand. Oh, and the fact that according to my mom A's and B's on a report card aren't good enough. It's just because I got a couple D's on the midterms, which hardly count for anything. Yes, I know colleges can see them, and I don't particularly care. The more she nags me the more I see my after high school life as the opportunity to get the hell out of here rather than the chance to pursue a career.
Anyways, its been hell lately. Except for-you guessed it-seeing Alex last night. I've missed him so much lately, especially since there was this gap where we were kinda detached and hardly talking. But its all worked out cause we're like unstoppable haha. I get to see him tomorrow for super bowl as well, woo!
Other than that I've been mostly feeling sick. Between a stomache ache and headache I can't seem to find much of an appetite. Oh well. Field hockey is good...won our dome game today =) Work is wonderful...I keep getting the most adorable kid cameron, with cerebral palsey. He's just a total sweetheart. Matt took him sledding today and the joy on his face was just amazing. Working there really cheered me up from the fights I've been having lately.
I hope things keep getting better. They're off to a slow rise in betterness. Although I dont know...my classes are getting demanding all of the sudden. Whats with this random bombardment of projects? Its so bad I had to turn down hanging out with deirdre, Alex C and her bf tonight which I've only been trying to do for like a year now. UGH. I hope you're all holding out better than me lol.
Well its past my bedtime. So goodnight.
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[29 Jan 2005|06:09pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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APC :: magdalena |
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If I can even put the last few days into words...
Thursday I met up with Alex at the mall (first time out of the house!). It was the only way my parents were going to let me see him. They're so psychotic sometimes...I wish they'd just be more humble about me having my boyfriend over. Although I'd have to question their normalty if they were completely cool with it.
Friday they cancelled school to everybody's amazement. They must be fucktards cause the roads themselves were totally fine. I shouldn't complain though, its not like anybody really planned on going. I ended up going to the mall again with Steph, Laura and Carrie. It was nice to get out and see people. Although everytime I go to the mall it just seems to get lamer and lamer...
Later on me, Alex, Courtney, Andrea, Steph, Kim, and Melissa ended up going to a local show in Taunton Center (dyingforit and other shitmetal bands I don't remember). Alex had a moshpit accident so me him and Kim left early to fix his lip up back at my house. I felt really bad that the night went wrong especially since it was my idea. I should just learn not to get over my head in stupid scenes like that where everybody there is the same goddamn steriotype. I spent the rest of the night really upset and sleepless, which is my own fault. I rightfully blame myself for the suckiness of the past week.
This morning I had a field hockey game. I had to leave during 1/2 time for work. We almost got in a really bad car accident on the way there. Stupid ass holes on the road. I count myself lucky to be alive right now. Anyways, for work we took the kids to the movies to see "Are we there yet?". The movie itself was only okay, but I had the most adorable asian kid named Ben. I'd have to say the best perk was having the day go by super fast-and the free popcorn. Nothing beats that.
As of now, I feel like a piece of shit. I need a nap. Tomorrow is an entire day of field hockey (from 9AM-6PM). First I've got Lead the way and then a tournament at Wheaton College. I'm so excited to get all this frustration out of me. Its sitting there like its ready to push through my skin.
I just wish things felt better right now. I don't want to go through another period of time where everything feels hopeless and dull. I have a lot I need to fix in my life. I just don't know where to start or how to go about doing it.
I'm going to order a meat ball sub. I'm hungry as fuck.
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[27 Jan 2005|02:27pm] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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music |
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Tool :: Eleven |
] |
It's been five days and I haven't ventured outside my house except to shovel the walkways. There should be a name for an indoor disease like there is on a pirate ship--"cabin fever". It's been so dull. I must have watched 8 movies. I saw Alex on Tuesday. He conquered the snow banks and drove down which saved me from complete insanity. I'm possibly seeing him today as well =) I love him soo much.
I got a headstart last night on my "Journey" essay for Benedict. It's a rather lame topic. Not too many of us have had "life-altering, life-defining, journies of the heart and soul". Or maybe we have? I chose to write about Handi-kids. I can't wait for creative writing too. I've had to wait a bloody four days for that class *impatient*. I'm definitely hoping for school tomorrow. It's not like it'll even count (NO CHEMISTRY) and I'm dying to see all of my friends.
Not a whole lot more to say. This weekend will be cool. Friday is a girls night at Carrie's I believe (much needed). Saturday I've got a field hockey game (don't know the time) and then work where we're taking the kids on a field trip to the movies. Another Alex dosage after that maybe? heh. Sunday is going to be a kick-ass field hockey tournament at Wheaton College (the team reunited) I AM SO PSYCHED. I hope no snow interfers with these plans.
Anyways, I'm gonna go find something to do. Lata kids.
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[20 Jan 2005|10:02pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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A pirates life for me |
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Midterms are over.
For those of you who take your grades seriously, (or are forced to by your parents), you can regain sanity.
Today was utterly and completely boring. I don't know about you, but I'm glad we're going to get out an hour later. Getting home early is nice, but its mostly boring. So out of bordom I drew a tree, and then took a nap where I had a bad dream and woke up disillusioned. I don't like day naps anymore. My imagination's way too active when it should be winding down.
I have a birthmark on my leg that matches another one on my thigh. It looks like Africa. But I'm not from Africa.
I got my sketches into the computer. But I didn't put them up here, because that would have taken another hour and my eyes hurt from staring at the computer screen.
I'm seeing Alex tomorrow *smiles*. Him and two of his friends randomly popped by the other day...it was a pleasant surprise. heheh can't wait for tomorrow. And I get to choose the date movie this time. I'm outlawing intestine-ripping zombie-related films.
I have to talk to Cuniff about colleges, GPA, and class rank or my mom is going to lock me in the closet with my cat. Yes, that is punishment. He's a hard guy to get a hold of though because he's cuniff and he has this uncanny ability of fucking up schedules and not showing up for meetings.
As you have probably noticed, I don't have anything very important to say.
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| The most that I can do for you is keep on lying... |
[16 Jan 2005|12:43pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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music |
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Let it Bleed |
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OH FUCKING HELL! my brother just came in and wrestled his friend on my bed and farted. Now I've got two windows open on the coldest day and I've used my entire bottle of perfuem trying to get the smell out. BLOODY HELL. #$%*!!!!
Anyways, sorry to start off on a traumatizing note.
Hi journal. Forgive me for the update I'm about to make.
There's only one thing to really update on this weekend, and thats the North Quincy party. It almost didn't happen, but because there was a way around the mess that occurred, it did and here's my prognosis. The people there were so unbelievably funny and friendly. I really liked them even though I might have been painfully shy. It's a very different atmosphere than Raynham or Bridgewater people, but in such a good way I wish I could book it out of here. The guys were just crazy and awesome, but I wish I could have befriended the girls a bit more (they were also awesome). *shrug* It kinda hit me hard for the first time- like a brick- that Alex lives quite far away and how he has an entirely different life. Just being around all those people in that atmosphere made me think about things I never realized when it was just us, in our own little world, in my basement. I don't know...I can't explain what I feel or whats running through my head right now. I wish I could say it...just to get some fucking consolation. I know I'll always wonder where he is or with who and feel not a part of it. I shouldn't complain or let it bother me that much, but if there was ever a time you needed your mind at ease you might understand the point I'm trying to get at.
Anyways. I made a list. A list of #25 things you dont know (or do know) about me that I'm too afraid to say and must therefore post in a public livejournal like the pathetic cowardice I am. I only hope you benefit from this:
( Read more... )
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| She's beautiful as usual, with bruises on her ego and... |
[12 Jan 2005|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Staind :: Fill me up |
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Its been a very sleepless week, to almost the point where I'll get in bed at 11, look at the clock at 3:30 and say "did i just sleep? cause im still awake..." Weird. Yesterday was really awesome. Alex had a half day so he drove down afterschool with his friend Willy and picked Kim and I up. We ate at the 99 then went bowling at Viking's (played some pool too). Afterward we headed back to Kim's house. It was a really fun night and it felt so good to get out and of course, see Alex. Willy was really nice (and a tool fan) and he and Kim seemed to hit it off really well considering it was practically a blind date.
Today was good too...I came home and wrote a two-chord emo song on the guitar. It's horrible, but I did manage to get it stuck in my brothers head. Atleast its catchy. After that I ran off to do erands with the mom. I bought a shirt for the NQ party saturday. I'm going to meet some of Alex's friends, which'll be cool. Je suis tres excited! My brother's heart murmer was found to be NOT HARMFUL, thank god. It was so scary to wait for the news...especially since the sound his heart was making was the same sound a heart with a hole in it makes. I'm so grateful it's nothing...
Anyways, other than nothing new is really going on. Midterms are coming up. They can kiss my ass. umm...I just caught a maggot-eating scene on fear factor so my apptetite just went out the window. I fucking hate reality television. I can't wait for this weekend-my nerves are flying so high. There's so many things I wanna say, and so many questions I wanna ask! but its like I'm way too scared to. I don't know or understand. Well...
byebye.
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[08 Jan 2005|11:06pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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One Eighty by Summer |
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My best side >>
<< was your worst invention
Yeah...just sitting around. It's kinda late and I should go to bed. I've had a raging headache all day and I have to get up early. I really miss Alex. He called me from work and a Quincy party and I got to talk to some of his friends. I just wished so much that I could be there with him. I immedietly put on Taking Back sunday and danced around to it in my room, cause thats what he had playing in his car. I'm really quite happy actually, but I keep getting this feeling like I'm losing control of my life, like im on the outside looking in. If that makes any sense at all. I guess this update was rather pointless, but I just felt the need to get a few words out there and off my chest before going to bed. Missing Alex has just been weighing on my conscience all day. He came to my field hockey game this morning, which was so unbelievably nice of him, I couldn't believe he woke up and drove down here to see me play for 40 minutes. (we lost but lets not talk about that).
I think this night calls for an all night cd-listening marathon. Fuck sleep.
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[06 Jan 2005|07:53pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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music |
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A Perfect Circle :: Hollow |
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Run desire run
Run him like a << b l a d e
to and through the h e a r t >>
No conscience
One Motive
Cater to the hollow
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying
And permanently fill this hollow
( Read more... )
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[03 Jan 2005|08:57pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Tool :: H. |
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Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.
The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerably.
I stumbled upon this site while looking up some lyrics. I laughed myself all the way to hell and back. Take a look.
http://www.toolbandlyrics.com/mail.htm
Of course I put some good Tool lyrics in here. Couldn't think of a nicer way to say 'FUCK YOU'.
( Read more... )
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[30 Dec 2004|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Pushit :: Tool |
] |
Slipping back into the GAP again
I'm alive when you're t o u c h i n g me,
Alive when you're shoving me down
But I'd trade it all
For just a little...
PEACE.of.MIND.
( Read more... )
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[19 Dec 2004|11:43am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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Rev 22:20 :: Puscifer ft. MJK |
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Oh what the fuck anyways, I'm sitting in the kitchen at quarter of 1, in the dark, with my head on the table thinking about how out of sync I've been with the rotation of earth lately and when I'm talking about the vast stretch of earth I guess I'm really talking about my life. Lying on my bed, I tried explaining myself to Alex- using weird metaphors about getting out of the shower that I'm sure made me sound like more of a mental dumbass then a sane person. But the point is I know why I've been feeling unlike myself, and its because I'm OUT OF MY SECURITY ZONE. It's like there's this sphere, or orb for example, and I've been spinning comfortably on its axis. All of the sudden the routine changes, out of bordom and discontentment with the level of happiness and trust in my life. So I'm shot out of the axis into a new one that lies a great distance from the other. I've left my security zone. And that's why I don't feel right and its not necessarily that this change is bad, it's just that its NEW. Now I'm going to stop with the run on sentences and half ass attempt to be deep. About the current reality...
Friday night-spent with musically cool and talented friends + strobe light + seizure christmas lights + High Fidelity + Dane Cook-was beautiful. Saturday night was even more beautiful. Alex Kenney is the most amazing person. He even puts up with me being a loser. I wish I had the guts to say half the things I feel-good and bad, but its like I get scared and nervous. I guess high levels of seriousness make me shy away. I'm fucked up and I need to take a walk or something.
ILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIMILOVEHIM.
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xface__downx's journal
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